Grand Unifying Theory of Rock

The Music: This is one of my all-time favorite albums. Every song is a seething tempest of pure, unadulterated rock and roll. Enough said. The Verdict: Awesome

The Music: I saw a Lightning Bolt set where they played in the middle of the street. In the middle of the street in downtown Providence! Lightning Bolt insists on playing on the floor since they are super DIY, so I couldn’t really see them, but I had a most excellent time getting slammed into by drunk fat dudes and also my friend Margaret. This album is faster and tighter than their others, and they manage to hold a shred of melody under all that blisteringly fast noise. This dude made an incredibly awesome rendition of Lightning Bolt that pretty much sums up the whole Lightning Bolt experience. I crack up every time I see it.The Verdict: Amazing

The Music: If you can get past the crappy production, there are some really fantastic songs on this album. My favorites include the mid-tempo Chartered Trips, and the 14-minute long freakout that is Reoccurring Dreams. This album is a good excuse to listen to what some people might call grunge without damaging your precious indie-cred, because hey, it’s Hüsker Dü. The Verdict: Good, although some songs are annoying.

The Music: You cannot thrash more blisteringly furious than Hellnation. Period. Not even that one Agoraphobic Nosebleed song with the machine gun sample instead of drums can top it. This record thrashes so hard it will make your ears bleed, and your eyeballs shrivel up like raisins. You will probably puke up your liver. The Grand Unifying Theory has been torn to shreds, and left rotting on the side of the road by a bunch of kids who couldn’t circle pit because there’s no mosh part in any of these songs, ever. The Verdict: So so good, but that art is so so bad.

The Music: This album is just plain weird. There’s a pretty good, albeit fairly trite, dance-punk drum beat, but the lo-fi twangy dissonant guitars, and other manner of strange noises just can’t carry it anywhere. Normally, weird phased drums, dissonant guitars, and strange noises would make for a pretty awesome album, but these dudes just aren’t doing it for me at all. In fact, it’s just plain annoying. Maybe it’s because they’re from Italy, and I’m not. The Verdict: Weird. And not in a good way, either.

The Music: Dropdead’s side is fast and mean, in the vein of Siege (we’d hope so). These dudes not only thrash with utmost fury, they also have sick mosh breakdowns. Unfortunately, three of their songs top the 1-minute mark, so I’m going to have to dock them thrash points. My room mate Tim suggests listening to the Totalitär side the same way one listens to Motörhead. I think they’re kind of boring, but they do sing entirely in Swedish. The Verdict: Dropdead will blow your brains out. Totalitär would be good for making a skate video.

The Music: Think everything Sufjan touches turns to gold? You obviously haven’t heard his debut! Some of the songs are pretty good, most are annoying, and as a whole, the album is very fragmented and does not form a cohesive whole. Amazing, his old stuff really isn’t better! What are you hipsters going to do now? The Verdict: Stick with the states and the swans.

The Music: Whilst other bands might partake in the fine art of “playing,” Manowar doth instead “kill.” When not killing, Manowar sing about three things and three things alone: fighting, metal, fighting for the sake of metal. The Verdict: Heavy Fuckin Metal.

The Music: You know how in every 80’s movie, the protagonist’s older brother is always listening to some completely nondescript, yet absurdly heavy band? That band is Assück. The deafening double-bass, the unintelligible Cookie Monster-style vocals, the wanton guitar squeals, the sludgy breakdowns. Every song is entirely devoid of any defining characteristics, and trust me it makes for one hell of a rock and roll album. The Verdict: Essential.

The Music: Face it. In 1994, you were Ace of Base’s biggest fan. There’s no sense trying to deny it, because you know it’s true. When your friend Mike formed 8 of Bass, an 8-bass-guitar Ace of Base cover band, you were there and you knew all the words. This album is awesome, and that’s all there is to it. Did you know they’re doing a reunion tour? The Verdict: Magnificent, and you know it.